Growing up's hard to do

We all have our own Neverland. Sometimes it's a physical place. Sometimes it's an activity. Sometimes it's just a feeling. For me, Neverland is usually found in a feeling of safety.

We all have something that allows us to escape to somewhere without life's pressures and problems. We all need our Neverland; the problem comes when we don't know how or when to leave it.

A close friend of mine in Edmonton overdosed on MDMA last week. He's fine now, but it was pretty terrifying. He's someone that's been a huge part of my life for the last five years or so and sometimes finds his Neverland through artificial means. Like most 21 year-olds, he's done stupid things before, but this time was different; this time he almost died.

My friend's overdose scared the shit out of him. He doesn't want to party anymore; he wants to travel; after dropping out of high school years ago, he suddenly wants to go to university. I think the experience has made him realize (finally) that he's not invincible. But to accomplish all this, he’s going to have to grow up a bit.

But growing up is hard to do. I know it. I'm struggling to get ready to leave the safety net (aka Neverland) I've created here at UVic over the last four years. I'm trying to figure out what my next steps will be and fighting what I feel is a pressure from the rest of the world to shed the last of my adolescent life in favor of becoming an 'adult.' I know that doesn’t mean that I have to change who I am, per se; I can still be youthful and whimsical and have fun. But I really do want to keep that part of being a kid where you’re absolved of all real responsibility; it’s safe.

It sucks, but I know that if I keep clinging to the feeling of safety I have here, I’m never going to accomplish my dreams. That sounds corny, but it’s true. Unlike my friend, my Neverland won't kill me, but it also won't get me where I want to go. I want to write about social issues. I want to publish an incredibly personal memoir. I want to ask questions that people are not going to want to answer. None of these things are going to feel ‘safe.’

Maybe breaking away from Neverland gives you an opportunity to find a new, even better Neverland. Maybe it just gives you an opportunity to stand on your own. Either way, I think if I’m going to get where I want to in life, I’m going to have to leave this particular Neverland behind.

The search for Neverland: part B

I did not get the job I wanted this summer, the one that fit perfectly into my plan of what to do with my life for the next two-ish years.

Had I got the job, I would have finished my degree this summer while the job was part-time, or maybe left a single course to be completed in the fall, then I would have stuck around Victoria working the job full-time until the end of April 2010. By then, I would have found a stellar internship for NEXT summer, which would obviously have landed me a fantastic entry-level job for the following fall and the rest of my life would be a perfectly planned cakewalk.

But I did not get the job. Truthfully, I got robbed. But I’ve spent a few weeks being angry, attempting a mutiny and pouting. None of it worked. Now? Now I’m smiling because, while I didn’t get the job, I still have endless opportunities for adventure.

So far my new plan includes a productive summer (including getting a drivers license) and finishing my degree in December. That’s it. Currently, my plan does not continue past the last days of 2009. But this is ok. This is exciting. I have options.

I’ll probably still stick around Victoria until April 2010 (what with having a lease and all) but after that, one of my options is jumping on the more-school bandwagon. After all, the economy won’t be magically healed by then and really, what’s a little ($10,000-$20,000) more debt? Maybe I’ll do a Masters degree in journalism at Ryerson or Carleton or Concordia. Maybe I’ll go do a diploma or certificate in broadcasting at BCIT or NAIT. We journalists will have to diversify after all. Maybe I’ll get really kooky and go do a communications degree at Mount Royal with my little sister. But then I’d have to live in Calgary – and let’s face it – that’s never going to happen.

Or maybe I’ll make use of my new UK passport and go live in London for a while, work for family and travel Europe. Maybe I’ll go spend an incredibly nerdy week looking at the architecture in Prague. Or maybe I’ll stay right here and wait tables while trying to get a freelance career off the ground and apply for the same job again next year. Who knows?

For once, I feel like I’m actually alright with not knowing – or at least I’m not having panic attacks over my lack of a solid plan. I came out to Victoria knowing no one, never having been here in my entire life; I didn’t have a plan then. And, while there are things I would have done differently, overall the experience has been amazing.